That My Life will remain “A Letter to God”

Dear God,

I start by saying forgive me. Forgive me because it took a movie “Letter to God” to make me realize how ‘economical’ I have been in redeeming a vow I made to You that last Sunday in September 2005 at the City of David Parish, Ligali Ayorinde, Victoria Island; the day Pastor Eskor Mfon of blessed memory, mentioned “Afowofa”syndrome in his sermon. That day was a turning point for me, because it ‘forced’ me to turn to You for help. I was done with the tears and all I needed was just help. Help from You, Lord in facing a situation I never imagined even in my wildest dreams to find myself in; one I had no control over and one not even the love of family could deliver me from.

After the ministration I felt a Peace that had eluded me for so long because You promised me that morning that “the Pain will pass” and I vowed that I would unashamedly testify of your restoration if “it passed”. Honestly I admit I didn’t gain insight that day into my situation, since it lasted another two torturous years (as ‘gaining insight’ is considered one of the 12 steps to Freedom) all I did perhaps was just see ‘me’ for the sorry being I had become. I can safely say though that Your promise of restoration that day gave me hope. Hope that culminated in Freedom at my journey’s end two years later on July 12th 2007 when I emerged from the place of ‘rest’ that had been my home for several months to begin a “new” life with the ones I love, the ones I had lost and had had restored back to me. The added Bonus of a now 4 year old son who would never had been if You, Lord had not taken over the wheel of my life. A life that for the past 8 years were spent living life as a “Drug Addict”

Me Today

Yes! Lord, I can hear the pin drop and can actually see jaws drop as people gasp from what they have just read. But none know the person I was. You and just a few know how I used to be back then as an impressionable young adult. Done with University education by 19 years of age and now in my twenties, I had it all (or so I thought), a great husband, a great career, a great home, great friends, I never suffered weaklings or fools; I never understood why anyone would ever lose control. Nah, loss of control was alien to my nature, because I was always in control. I may have sympathised but never did I have empathy towards people who received hard knocks as a result of what I saw as “their own making”. So when it came my way it did so subtly. Hmm, Lord, I bet it reminds You of what You said that mere mortals that think they stand should take heed lest they fall.

And Fall I did, No, I didn’t indulge in the obvious drugs of choice, the person that I was had an aversion for drug addiction. Yes I once smoked cigarettes, a bad habit I picked up as a young teen on campus- but I was quick to drop the habit when I felt it was no longer the appropriate thing to do- Marijuana was a definite NO NO, an aversion formed in childhood; growing up in Lagos we saw people who ran ‘mad’ and besides none of us wanted to be like Fela (as pupils of Command Children school, Ikeja living in Apapa, our school bus route went past the Kalkuta Republic and my siblings and I in the company of school mates witnessed the ‘Fall’ of the republic and I had the scary image of Mama Fela’s ‘coffin’ that was on the balcony from which she was supposedly ‘thrown’ from engraved in my mind for months). I didn’t drink because I had a terrible time from experimentation with the contents of my dad’s drinks Cabinet at age 14 in Roma, Italy(my mum still cringes whenever we discuss the incident, because I earned her some ‘famenemies’ among family members visiting from Nigeria...they say “Don’t drink and drive” and I dare to add “Don’t drink and Speak”. Any way these two experiences helped in forming my decision to keep away from drugs and alcohol which in my folly were limited to the obvious ones like heroin, cocaine, Alcohol, Indian hemp.

My torturous journey through hell started in 2000 just a few months after having my second son and my period came in, to cut a long story short because Lord you know the details, I was given a shot of the pain relieving drug Fortwin (Pentazozine). Its effect was instantaneous. Not only did the pain disappear, it was accompanied by effects that I will pass on mentioning so as not to make it seem of interest to any impressionable minds. I continued using as I would any over the counter drug and soon the doses changed. I remember promising myself to stop. For where?, I guess the rush it gave me was now a part of my life. By 2001, I had become an addict, but chose to live in denial. And soon the cravings kicked in. And once they did I couldn’t hide it from my family. It soon became a prohibited drug that could only be gotten with a prescription and at this point I paid top Naira to get a fix. I needed it to get through the day; I needed it to work, I needed it to function and at this point the only thing that must have been keeping me alive was You, Lord, because I was to later learn that the 10 vials or so that became my daily dose could kill 12 horses. My health suffered (I risked amputations) , our marriage suffered, Enyi did what he had to do because I wasn’t much of a wife to him or a mother to the Children either. Looking back, I know it took You to harden his heart like Pharoah’s, forcing me to seek for professional help for he had shielded me for so long unwittingly enabling me in the process.

Lord, I have never forgotten how you used so many people as your instruments for intervention at various times and in various ways. Today as I express my gratitude to You, I also thank you for these angels you sent my way through the most trying time of my life Shomoye & Titi, Ebi Porbz (you were helpless in your compassion), Austen & Vivian, Pastor Precious “IT IS WELL” Amadi, Ekeko, my late Father-in-love (law) Boss Felix, David Uno, Lolia, my Sister-in-Love(law) Ogbeanu and most especially my Mum and my siblings who suffered the pain alongside me and stood by me through it all. I was totally bereft Lord but you didn't give up on me. No longer could I get comfort from people, I just wanted it all to end, but you kept them at me, refusing to allow me shut the world out.

I am grateful for my other “family” and its ‘members’ who gave me the courage to tell my story for the first time in February 2007 without a word of condemnation.

Testifying at COD July 2010

Lord as Your’e aware, I returned to the City of David Parish on the first Sunday in July 2010 where I stood before a throng of worshippers to speak for the first time of Your deliverance. But watching Tyler’s story today and at the end of it seeing the testimonies of the lives his story had changed, made me understand why I had been hesitant in redeeming my vow as I ought to, rather than just offering up snippets as I had done these past years. I realise I have been quite economical with the facts of my ‘deliverance’ simply because I had come to worry too much of what people might think. It’s been quite difficult for me to keep the faith with my vow; not out of ingratitude, but Fear. Yes! Palpable Fear that I would be flung down the rungs of the world’s “Ladder”, fear of being stigmatized, but now I know better. I am truly, truly sorry Lord. Here I was worrying my head about what people might think; not considering where my life would have been if YOU hadn’t stepped in and taken the wheel; that is if I would have even still been alive. I feel trepidation about what I am doing, but with the first word I typed, I chose to damn whatever consequences that may be the outcome because You didn’t seek counsel from anyone when the set time to deliver me came.

Lord, I just imagine you shaking Your Head and smiling when I expressed to the online community just this past Friday on my 16th wedding anniversary how grateful I am that your love has been evident in our marriage and how much I appreciate the man who “Found me”. Suffice it to say, some mails I have received since then were so gut wrenching that I felt humbled and overwhelmed at the same time that Our Story albeit abridged could serve as an encouragement to some. Come to think of it, was that You setting the tone for what was to come today?

At the early stages of recovery, I sometimes used to wonder why You never stopped me from taking that first jab or caused me to get some foreknowledge about certain things I was ignorant about.After all I was smart enough to discern right from wrong. I sometimes wondered why You didn’t spare me the pain of all these, because I knew You could have if You had wanted to. But then again I guess maybe these lessons were mine to learn,; maybe the scars were mine to carry and today I see their place in  ultimately leading me to embrace the creed I live by “Totally a Fool for Jehovah” and by so doing, I have come to realise the truth about the assertion that those that think they stand, should take heed lest they fall.

Post recovery I 'forgot' my promise to you it seemed, I was content with just being in my small corner surrounded by Enyi and the kids, I was so scared to venture out because in doing so, I was confronted with the reality of the many things that had passed me by. It was painful to count the cost of the consequences of my years of addiction, yep, very painful to see people who were way behind me now light years ahead; it was painful to see how my "disease" had caused a major setback for my husband. But yet again Lord, you showed me you were not through with me. How can I begin to share the endless Mercy, Favour and Grace You have poured upon me and my family. You brought us back from the brink of extinction. One of the greatest acts of Mercy, was that my father-in-Love Boss Felix had the opportunity to live to see 'His Neneh' in her fullness before he was called 'home'.

Lord, it is almost as if you worked on that part of my children's heart that store memories, because to see them, hear them and watch them, I can't see any signs of what they lived through. Chika is the brave one, she once went back on a visit with me to the place of  'Rest', she insisted she wanted to see where mummy visited and came back different; I told her its not about the place, its about what I found there, the insight I gained.One that had me accepting  my powerlessness to give way for your Power to take hold. One that made me learn not to judge people by their circumstances, because but for Your Mercy and grace, any of us can be that same person we mock. Since then, I have lived life one day at a time and today the 3rd of May 2012 exactly 1,920 days of Sobriety, I offer you 1,920 'Thank You's".

Lord, Suffice it to say the die is cast and I know you it was that gave me the strength I needed to redeem my vow this day, the vow of telling the world the "Evil" you delivered me from even at the risk of tainting my 'street cred'. An action that would hopefully set in motion  my dream of a “Drug Education and Enlightenment Programme” aka DEEP; one that would ensure that no child has to go through the pain my children did of seeing their mum lose control; that no spouse would have to watch helplessly while the other battles this demon; one that would have people understand that Drugs in whatever guise whether it be Alabukun is a Killer and respects noone; one that would let sufferers understand that they are not alone.

Today as I write this letter to You Lord, I do so with the hope that at least one person who is going through a challenge would read this and believe that in You and with You, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I 'died' that you may revive me. And today, because it’s Your Spirit that lives in me, I make BOLD to Say that My Life will Forever remain a 'Letter to You' knowing fully well that “Because You Live ANYONE can have a tomorrow”.

Forever Yours
Ohunene